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Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest 896

We've all read about some of the dumber patents issued recently by the United States Patent and Trademark Office [USPTO]. The Slashdot community is full of talent and creativity, so why not come up with our own stupid patent ideas instead of waiting for Amazon or Priceline or some other company to come up with something amusing? First prize is a $50 ThinkGeek Gift Certificate that I am paying for out of my own pocket, and will personally sign. The winner will be chosen on the basis of originality, believability, and humor value. To start things off, I will describe my own personal contribution to the Stupid Patent Pool: Zero Click Shopping.

As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.

So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:

"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."

Remember, you saw it here first!

If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.

But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!

So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.

Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.

The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.

Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.

You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!

This discussion has been archived. No new comments can be posted.

Enter the 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest

Comments Filter:
  • by Anonymous Coward
    Holy shit, I knew the Starr report would come in handy someday!
  • While I commend slashdot for attempting to provide a humerous outlook on the recent line of intellectual property lawsuits, settlements legistlative activities, I feel I can't participate in this childish contest. Intellectual property is a very serious concern, and my own intellectual property rights are being violated continually.

    I have for quite some time held the patent and all exclusive rights to design, produce and market a handheld nutritional consumption aid, and out of the spirit of generousity and the goodness of my heart, I've elected not to enforce my patent. However, due to recent changes in the economy, I must being inforcing my right to collect a financial reward for my years of toiling research. Handheld nutritional consumption aids, commonly known as "siverware," are now commonplace in America, and indeed in most of the civilized world. Billions of people benefit from my intellectual property each and every day, yet I'm faced with ever-increasing debt, student loans, and a strong desire to consume six bottles of Killian's Irish Red while completing my evil bastard project from hell for my operating systems class. I regret that I must ask for some compensation for my years of hard work, however, I only ask that users of my hand held nutritional consumption aids pay a nominal fee of $.05 American dollars for each day that they use them. This amounts to only $18.25 per individual per calander year, and will allow me to attain a healthy income of roughly $7,000,000,000 per year. This will be used to research new and more effective handheld nutritional consumption aids, and buy me lots of good beer.

    Thank you.


  • Claims: a method for increasing the number of points (karma) awarded to one's on-line persona for submitting material to an on-line, HTML-based message board which is moderated by its general readership, consisting of the following steps:

    (1) Creation of a second on-line persona, distinct from the one to which the "karma" is to be awarded.

    (2) Posting to the message board using the first on-line persona.

    (3) Logging in to the message board using the second on-line persona.

    (4) Using the message board's moderation system to rate the post by submitted as the first persona as "informative", "insightful", or "funny".
  • That system really sounds like a clothes store for crossdressers, or alternatively a pet store where you can buy _really_ big reptiles.
  • I worked for a client that had designed tools to do EXACTLY that. And they probably already have it patented. So, I don't think your entry can count :-) Big Business has beat you to the punch.

  • You know, we could use this Potent Patent Power for the Good of All. The idea goes as follows:

    Whenever you see a brain dead piece of software design - take a trawl through the Interface Hall of Shame [] for inspiration - then patent the lousy practice.

    Since no one will want to pay our steep royalties to use the lousy ideas then eventually only the intelligent and intuitive software design will remain.

    A great idea, huh? Better patent it. .-)

    Regards, Ralph.

  • Why not go one better than Amazon with a "No-Click" shopping scheme? Just letting the mouse remain over an item for a certain time will result in it being purchased. (Could be used in conjunction with the StupidaMous e). []

    Regards, Ralph.

  • You can patent it unless the publication of the idea occured over one year before the filing of the patent. (This alone should have invalidated the RSA patent.)
  • Damn, it really is hard to come up with a new idea. However, my idea is different, since it uses web technology, and not Windows technology. I guess I have to rename the patent "Web-based Drag-n-Drop Shopping".
  • A method using advanced AI and human/computer interface interpretation that will allow users to purchase items they don't even know they want. By extrapolating browsing habits and mouse movements, items are selected and sent to the user, charged to their account, and added to their online profile without any action required by the user.
  • A legal process, overseen by a single regulatory body, by which inventors, creative individuals and idea-pirating Internet companies can register inventions, methods and other debateably-unique concepts for the purpose of maintaining a monopoly on that particular idea.

    (A tip o' the weinerdog to Spax [].)
  • Mechanism for the self perpetuation of Biological Database nodes

    Due to the fragile nature of biological informational nodes, a process is necessary to ensure that data contained within nodes is not permanently lost.

    To ensure continuity of data, more nodes are required before the denaturing of the original data carriers, and the data replicated onwards to the new nodes, such that distributed data storage forms a reliable method of ensuring that stored data is not lost, and, if necessary, more new nodes may be spawned to ensure the capacity of the database may expand to support all required data

    This patent covers the use of low frequency vibrational movement to induce an exothermic reaction between two biological informational nodes in such a way that information exchange occurs necessary to initiate the creation of one or more new biological nodes with basic operating systems necessary to receive further data from existing data nodes suficient to maintain integrity of the overall system.

  • word - Eternal Patent 666,666,666 by God Inc. issued by the Heaven's Patent Office.

    Due to the constant violation of this patent by milliards of people, we have what we have...
  • Why not?

    Then you can tell all these jack-offs to cough up!
  • Why not?

    Then you can tell all these jack-offs to couch up!
  • I'd pay $50 out of my own pocket, any possibly
    up to $200 from the company I own towards the

    Go out and get a buncha people who will commit
    to this. I'll even send the money in advance if you want proof.

    CMON have some COJONES! It will make CNN and
    bring this farce to the public's attention.
  • System to keep physical objects where they are
    placed without relying on mere inertia.

    This is done by conducting all business or related operations near a large mass that is specially tuned to create a Grav-I-Tee[tm] field. [The
    tuning process to cause the Grav-I-Tee[tm] field is described in a related but seperate patent.]

    Inside this field, masses tend to be attracted towards the centre of the large main mass.

    When used with other patents (such as Tables[tm], Chairs[tm], Buildings[tm], Floors[tm]), masses, thru static friction caused by the force of their attraction to the main mass against these surfaces, will stay in place far more effectively than relying on mere moments of inertia.

  • I would like to patent the concept of using protiens to transport a gas through a liquid.
  • Your subsequent patent description violates a pre-existing patent that I have pending. Untill you agree to pay my license fee, you are hereby ordered to C&D making any and all references to my intellectual property.

  • A means by representing information and commands using the symbols '1' and '0' represented as a measure of electrical voltage.
  • A method for vaporizing Cocaine Hydroxide, utilizing a blown-glass utensil ("pipe").

    A mixture of Cocaine Hydroxide and an extending agent ("base") is placed in the indentation of the device ("bowl") and intense heat is applied to the cocaine mixture ("rock"), thereby vaporizing the the narcotic component, and freeing it from the base. The vapors are then inhaled ("hit") and intoxication ("high") is obtained.

    A marketing strategy for use with the device will also be patented, as follows:
    The salesman ("dealer") will provide the pipe and a sample of substance ("crack") to the consumer ("crackhead") who will thereby become addicted to the substance and will require more devices ("crack pipes"). Fierce protection of IP rights will be necessary, including the bribing of law enforcement, and turf control.

    These devices ("crack pipes") may be particularly useful to weblog ("Slashdot") moderators.


  • This is *serious*!

    The European Parliament are soon (in November) going to decide whether Europe should change the current patent laws and thereby making software patents a reality in Europe too.

    There is a Petition for a Software Patent Free Europe here [] - please sign it, if you haven't already.
  • The consultant receives questions from his customer, and then posts the questions to the Internet Oracle, Ask Slashdot, and Usenet newsgroups. Then he retrieves the answers and forwards them to his customer. This reduces expense since the consultants do not need expensive education or expertise with the topic(s).

  • One Patent:

    This apparatus contains an ethernet connector, a real time clock, and a speaker. It sends datagrams through the ethernet to a computer data base, and the data base sends a reply datagram that contains the time of day that The Simpsons will next be shown on TV. The apparatus continuously compares the reply time to its real time clock, and when they match, it emits a tone through the speaker.

    Completely different innovative patent:

    This apparatus contains an ethernet connector, a real time clock, and a speaker. It sends datagrams through the ethernet to a computer data base, and the data base sends a reply datagram that contains the time of day that Futurama will next be shown on TV. The apparatus continuously compares the reply time to its real time clock, and when they match, it emits a tone through the speaker.

  • Sometimes when people take paper out of a laser printer, they pick it up in such a way that the print is upside down, and therefore they must take the additional step of turning the paper right-side-up before they can read it.

    My innovative apparatus is an electronic digital computer with a central processing unit, some RAM, a ROM containing some software, and two printer ports. One of the apparatus' printer ports is plugged into the output printer port of an electronic digital computer that is used to generate documents. When the document computer outputs a document through it's port, this apparatus renders the document onto a bitmap stored in it's RAM. Then it reads the bitmap starting at the bottom, working its way up, and sends this through its second printer port, to a laser printer. This results in the document being printed upside-down, so that when the user picks up the paper upside-down, the documents appears right-side-up, eliminating the laborous extra step of having to turn the paper over before being able to read it.

  • This innovative process allows legacy computers which lack network adapters, to become linked to one another and even access the World Wide Web for shopping purposes. IP datagrams are encoded into a 36-value character set (0-9, A-Z) and then fragmented into 72-byte subpackets. The subpackets are sent to a card puncher that writes the subpackets to a card.

    The cards are then transfered, by whatever means are convenient, to a second electronic digital computer that contains a card reader. The cards are read to form subpackets, which are then reassembled to form IP datagrams, which can then be routed to their destination.

  • Patent, using obfuscated language such as to discourage people from discovering Prior Art, the Blink Tag. Charge people to use it, and maybe they'll stop. :)
  • The user is presented via the network with a menu of available options, represented via graphical icons or images. Each image is unique and presents a distinct user-selected option for preceding to further areas or operations of a web site.

    The user manipulates a pointing device of the client computer to move the mouse pointer to their choice of menu option. Upon the mouse pointer entering the pixelspace of a particular graphical image, the image changes to an altered image yet similar image, indicating the image option under the cursor is the option presently under user consideration and also indicating that the image is a viable user choice, distinguishing it from other non-interactive images which do not comprise of valid menu options. If the user has decided that the specific menu option represented by the below-mouse image is their desired choice, he or she depresses and releases the primary mouse button quickly and the choice is registered, via the network, with the server.
  • This patent describes a method of alternate word spellings to increase the leetness of what is being said and, by associating, the person who has typed it.

    Single character substitutions may be made at any point as follows
    a => 4
    i => !,|
    e => 3,=
    l => 1
    o => 0
    s => $
    t => +,7
    c => k
    k => c

    String subtitutions may be made at any time as follows:

    ate => 8
    you => u
    f => ph

    Punctuation within the body of a sentence can and should be ignored if possible. Punctuation at the end of the sentence should be repeated for extended effect. In addition, the unshifted key used for typing a punctuation mark can be used in that mark's place.

    The word "I" may be replaced with "eye".
    Silent letters may be dropped or replaced with other silent letters.
    Common acronym interjections, such as LOL, ROFL, WTF, OMG, etc. are the prefered way of expressing emotions such as suprising, elation, amusement, etc.
    The prefix k- can be added to any adjective or adverb.
    Capitalization is entirely up to the typist.

    Thus can a normally bland sentence, such as "Now I know how to type well!" can be transformed into the more effectively leet phrase "0MG n0w eye gN0 h0w +o +yp3 k-W=11!!!!1!!". Well-executed translations like this will mark the typist as a truly ph33rs0me individually far to leet to ignore.
  • I definitly think we should definitly try and register the wining patent to see how ridiculous things are getting.

    "When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun...
  • "A method and system for making a purchase via the Internet. A computer system (client) or similar technology receives a series of Web pages detailing information about products and services produced on the fly by another computer system (server) or similar technology, such that these products or services may be purchased or more information about these products or services may be displayed. The server system receives purchaser information including identification of the purchaser, payment information, and shipment information from the client system. The server system sends to the client system an HTML document identifying the item and including an order button. The client system receives and displays the HTML document. In response to the selection of the order button, the client system sends to the server system a request to purchase the identified item. The server system receives the request from the client system and generates an order to purchase the item in accordance with the billing and shipment information whereby the purchaser effects the ordering of the product by selection of the order button. "

  • I think Dogbert came up with Zero Click Shopping first. Something along the lines of "If you don't click your mouse button, I'll charge you".
  • Define a "click", though? I believe this to already be patented by Amazon's 1-click shopping patent. If only 1 click is involved, you may run into trouble. I thought about doing what I would consider "half-click shopping", where the user is only required to press down on the mouse to purchase an item (and if they let up, then Amazon is THIER problem, not mine) but all definitions for "click" I could find did not specify pressing both down, and then up.

    You could also do "21+N*1 click shopping". 21 clicks total are required to activate the 21+N*1-click shopping feature for that user, and after that, they can click once on the item they want and it will be sent to their door. N being the number of items they choose to purchase using this feature...

    This patent covers the latest innovation in supplying the corporate consumer with an Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).

    iSection 1) The power supply for the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending) for shall consist of a large tub of water above which rests a pTurbine attached to an electrical generator.

    iSection 2) Trained iOperators (preferably ones with a MSCE) shall aim their iPotatoGuns at the tub of water and repeatedly fire. Repeated bombardment shall cause the temperature of the eTub to increase. As the eTub's temperature rises high enough, steam will start to form and rise upward. This steam shall cause the pTurbine to rotate in a Mission Critical manner, causing eLectricity to be generated which can be used to power the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).

    iSection 3) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerse Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending)'s pTurbine (situated above the eTub as stated in iSection 1) will lead directly into an e-Computer's pPower Supply.

    iSection 4) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall run any iDeployment of an eCommerce web server. (Note: this patent does not cover such concepts as "Electronic Commerce", "Online Purchasing", only "eCommerce".)

    iSection 5) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall utilise a unique, branded, Synergistically iDeveloped 3 CLICK eCommerce and Purchasing mEthodology, whereby any user who has clicked his or her pointing device at least 3 times within 5 mintes prior to ePurchasing (commencing in eCommerce with the iCorporation utilising the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending)) any goods or services.

    iSection 6) There is no iSection 6.

  • Applied for by Hemos, et al.

    Wherein this patent is applied for, herein defining a method of determining the relative coolness of a person using a system hereafter referred to as karma.

    The mechanism uses a community made up mostly of clueless Linux zealots and anti-everything "rebels" to assign points to comments made by users, thereby raising or lowering their karma.

    Next week: Sig11 applies for a patent on karma whoring and an AC sues, claiming it a violation of the karma limit patent!

    =RISCy Business
    your company here. []
  • One-Click Stopping: Javascript or other technology detects your mouse passing over an icon or other part of the screen. An animated shopping cart or other device begins moving toward a door or other receptacle indicator. If you click on the moving object you stop the transaction.

    Multiple-Click Stopping: Same as One-Click but with enhanced entertainment value by requiring multiple clicks to stop the transaction. The moving image may lost parts, change direction, or have other interactive reaction to the clicks.

  • Techniques for Enhancing Score under a Credibility Metric of Electronic Forums

    Seven techniques are claimed for enhancing individual scores under any credibility metric of any electronic forum. Credibility metric is defined as any means of measuring and ranking the credibility of the participants of an electronic forum. Electronic forum is defined as any computer system that allows the posting, archival, and retrieval of messages of one or more users.

    1. Reiterate the popular opinion at length, using an appropriate jargon to give the appearance of expertise.
    2. Criticise the popular opinion at length, using an appropriate jargon to the give the appearance of expertise. This technique may be greatly enhanced by criticising the collective mentality of those holding the popular opinion.
    3. Accuse some editors/moderators of bias or censorship, thereby encouraging the others to correct such a grievous abuse of power.
    4. Include hyperlinks to relevant or irrelevant information. Nobody actually follows links.
    5. Include references to ideologies which encourage zealotry, in both practice and criticism. The adherants and critics will moderate frequently but will tend to cancel each other out. However, those who adhere to the dogma of "free speech" will perceive censorship in negative moderation, and thus tip the balance toward positive.
    6. Make jokes. Good or bad, it doesn't matter, someone will find it funny.
    7. Criticize other licensees of this patent for practicing its methods.

  • Patent submission: An online system for the creation of Prior Art
    NOTE: Prior Art created by myself three days before Roblimo's post.

    A system where participants are asked to develop patentable systems for the purpose of creating prior art for parodying the existing patent system and/or invalidating subsequent patents where:

    (1) Patentable systems are publicly posted and available to third parties without access restrictions.

    (2) Enticement to post patentable systems may be encouraged by means of contest.

    (3) Scoring of patentable systems may be made by a random moderation system of registered users of the system.

    (4) Meta-moderation of such moderation may also be performed by a moderation system with random and voluntary participation by registered users.

    (5) A pre-selected panel of implementors may choose between the most highly moderated systems in order to bestow a reward based on originality (or lack thereof), believability (or lack thereof), and humor value (or lack thereof).

    (6) Systems related to "Zero Click Shopping" may be moderated down to a score of (-1, Redundant).

    (7) Systems related to the exciting "First Post Technology" may be moderated randomly.

    (8) Systems related to a system for creation of prior art may be moderated as (5, Insightful).

    I'm sorry, Roblimo. But I patented your contest just days before it happened. I demand you remove this contest IMMEDIATELY or legal action may be taken against you, Slashdot, Andover, and/or the Open Source Development Network.

  • Stupid Patent Pool Submission: "E-commerce Patent Creation Methodology"

    "A method of taking a widely used activity (including, but not limited to: walking, banking, or listening to answering machine messages), and adding the synergistic effect of an electronic and/or online component in order to create a novel idea which is patentable."

    The real kicker for this patent is that if it was actually granted, it could put an end to more of those silly e-commerce patents being granted. Well, at least, without the owner of this patent being the part owner of subsequent e-commerce patents.

    Stupid Patent Pool Submission: "Slashdot Effect"

    "A method of harnessing the collective click streams by harvesting the eyeballs of a devoted interest group in order to provide a positive reward stream to media outlets which provide stories of value to said interest group. The reward stream is generated by the number of advertising impressions generated by the volumatic traffic, and the innevitable and accidental click-throughs to said advertisements."

  • Submission follows: "A method for the pay-per-view delivery of pornographic material via a telephone faximile device where (1) the user dials a 1-900 reverse-charge telephone number and (2) selects a destination fax number and (3) selects an image type and (4) selects the number of deliveries. Said service then randomly selects the predetermined number of images, and transmits them via electronic telephone faximile process to the predetermined fax device."

    Scary. It could actually make money. (1-900-FAX-PORN or 1-900-PORN-FAX I suppose.)

  • Patent Submission: Delivery of USENET Newsgroups via FAX Machine

    "A novel delivery method by which a user may subscribe to USENET Newsgroups, and said newsgroups are delivered to the user by FAX, either on a per-article basis, or by daily summary. Features include, but are not limited to, automatic extraction and conversion to FAX format of images that are normaly represented as encoded ASCII data."

    That's right! Get a subscription to" sent right to your boss' FAX machine.

  • Submission: "A real-world delivery method for World Wide Web Content"

    A real-world method by which the World Wide Web is fully accessable to users without the aid of computer access where (1) The user is sent a form in the mail requesting a starting URL via scan-tron type alpha-numeric bubbles and (2) the user sends the form back to the service via self-addressed stamped envelope and (3) the service processes the user data and sends the user back a form with the URL requested where (4) the form is annotated with numbers representing links that can be clicked and number representing form fields that can be filled out in a scan-tron type alpha-number method where (5) the user fills in the appropriate bubble to select the link or (6) completed the form data and selects the link appropriate to the submission button where (7) the user sends the completed form back to the service where the procedure is then repeated starting at step 3.

    That's right. "The ultimate in offline Internet access."
    This is a method where people can surf the web via snail-mail and scantron bubbles.

  • You're not thinking far enough into the future! Shopping will change drasticly as voice recognition dominates the market. Therefore, I suggest a patent that claims a patent over shopping sites that accept voice input. No matter how many times the user speaks, my patent will cover it. Shopping by voice is hereby patented by me.

    I'm also going to patent one "glance" shopping, where you merely look at sections of the screen to buy things. People that want to implement shopping sites where it's user's vision is monitored in order to make purchases, you'll have to pay me 50% of your royalties!!!
  • I have invented a new business plan that resembles the internet loss-leader model, but works in the brick-and-asphalt world.

    The concept is simple; provide a service, namely instant unsolicited lavage of vehicular ports during brief periods of cessation. It is important to provide your own materials to do this -- thus the resemblance to the loss-leader model -- so that you can control the quality of the service. Depending upon customer temperment, you should either begin with a high quality service (and thus expect compensation), or a low quality service (afterwhich the customer will demand a high quality service, which you only provide after compensation).

    The only start-up equipment needed is a bucket of water, a squeegee, and a street corner with a stoplight. Watch the income roll in!

  • A series of signals sent between parties, which allow the transfer of information. These can be transmitted via audible, visible or tactile methods. Means of communication via scent and taste are currently in development.


    A method for transfering essential energy between groups of cohabitating organic material consists of an initial energy source whereby through radiation facilitates one group of organic material (primary group) infused with a forrest colored substance to sustain other cohabitating groups of organic materials (secondary group). The secondary group uses an oraface to intake the energy offered by the primay group.

    Mother Nature will hear from my lawyers...

    -- iCEBaLM
  • This process distributes moderator points to worthy members of an online community. When given access, the member will audit threads and posts in one or many conversations of a web-based bulletin board.
    The audit process consists in attributing positive or negative traits to a post which add or increase the weight of these posts. Readers of the messages apply a special filter (covered in USPTO 313370031337) that filters out messages not reaching the desired threshold.
    A secondary process allows the revision of past moderations so that incorrect moderation can be reviewed and undone.
    Finally the 'worthiness' of members is evaluated by computing the totals of moderations, including reversed ones into a positive/negative scale. Those members that cross the first treshold are allowed onto the moderator pool. A second, higher threshold increases the initial weight of the member's post.
    Vote Inanimate Carbon Rod in 2000
  • Biological optical character recognition.
    How about something a little more obscure, like the chemical reactions involved in vision? Or maybe "A (any) process for the conversion of ADP to ATP."
  • The stupid patent generator will be targeted to large companies looking to patent anything they can before someone else does. The generator functions by using a large database of some existing patents and a whole lot of dumb ideas. The MySQL string (which I have also patented) used to perform this does so by fragmenting the existing patents and combining parts from the Dumb ideas table. End result is a new patent idea that is both stupid and possibly effective at creating lawsuits that will jam up the corts years.

    Small Print
    All patents generated by the "Stupid Patent Generator" will thereby become patented property of Stupid Patent Generator Inc. and it's respective owners

  • Here wo go:

    A method of making a human commit complex rotational motions at the "knees" and "hips" to promote the alternate, forward or backward-moving actions of the "feet," whereby the human can update their position in an arbitrary real-world environment.

  • Method for creating a new universe from a singularity


    A method for starting a new UNIVERSE from a singularity which will cause apparent irregular expansion and development into astronomic bodies and features such as PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES radiating energy for an indefinite period of TIME then possibly expiring due to absolute conversion of MATTER to HEAT and/or constriction into a similar singularity.

    Using a galactic singularity (a point of infintismally small size, w/o immediately measurable dimension or mass) to manufacture a UNIVERSE (application 1). The UNIVERSE is created by gathering all known matter into a singularity. Then, the singularity is explosively destroyed, spreading all gathered matter in all directions at a near infinite variety of velocities. Lighter matter is cast farther away from the singularity.

    This UNIVERSE will also define physical limitations and expectations as it grows. Currently, said UNIVERSE may or may not reach an outer limit of expansion. Further, the UNIVERSE may, at some future point, return to a state of singularity.

    As the universe expands, energy radiation (radio, infrared, light, ultraviolet and other 'cosmic' transmissions) will vary from point to point. As matter travels away from a stationary point (though all matter in this universe travels along a variety of axis) said radiations will appear to be lower in frequency. As matter approaches, it will appear to be higher in frequency. This is, within the realms of the present point of observation (the collective derivative work PLANET, separately documented) is the LOW/HIGH SHIFTY THINGY EFFECT (application 1, addendum BS).

    As the UNIVERSE expands and (potentially) contracts, matter distribution is likely to be unevenly distributed as observed from any single stationary point. This however, is not likely to be a case, and an intentional design consideration (a.k.a BUG, sub derivative of derivative work PLANET). Energy from other portions of the UNIVERSE has been limited to appox. 299,792 KILOMETERS per SECOND (sub works of DISTANCE and TIME, both derivative of both PLANET and UNIVERSE) in the visible light spectrum. Other energy radiations have WAVELENGTH (1, addendum DA) variances, but are currently speed constant.

    Said energy transmissions will carry meaningful data about other portions of the UNIVERSE, including, but not limited to PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES (applications 4-16 respective) and other particulate matter LIGHT and DARK (applications 2 and 3). Finally, the UNIVERSE exists largely by converting matter into HEAT. It is a design consideration that said UNIVERSE may cease operation after all matter has been converted to HEAT.

    A DINING FACILITY (application 13, addendum ADAMS) may or may not exist near the point at which the UNIVERSE (potentially) returns to singularity.

  • A method of keeping obvious ideas to oneself for financial gain, without needing to protect a trade secret. An application is filed for said patent with the United States Patent and Trademark Office, who will then approve said patent regardless of obviousness. Henceforth, Patentee has the exclusive right to an obvious idea, barring intervention by another party in a court of law, whereupon we spend more money than aformentioned third party in court such that our patent remains.

    In english: We're patenting filing obvious patents. We're also patenting outspending our opponents in court.

  • By maniupulating the mouse's roller wheel(if available), you can shop for whatever items you want. Shopping is 1 roll away!
  • If you're going to have a planet that's the same density as this one, you're going to have a problem with us living on it. Our planet (Sol, Terra, Earth, Third big rock from the sun) is about 8,000 miles in diameter, therefore about 25,000 miles in circumference.

    Let's see. 3 times the diameter, so 27 times the volume? Gravity would be 9 times as big? It's been a long time since my last physics class, so someone correct me here. I don't relish weighing a ton.
    Looking for a job []
  • In memory of Amazon's Affiliate Program patent []...

    Patent application for the practice of transacting rectangular paper items with pecuniary value. Such items were produced and manufactured by the laborious and painstaking research on behalf of the aforementioned company. In the event that other parties would, in the future, wish to license the process of transaction of these monetary bills, a per-transaction fee will be issued, which in turn will also warrant an additional fee.
  • Pr0n Screen: A combination of motion sensors, voice recognition devices and specialized software that are hooked up to your computer and automatically pull up the most current office newsletter or stock charts whenever someone else enters the room, thereby allowing the user to surf pr0n at work without constantly looking over their shoulder. Users could also optionally upgrade to have Pr0n Screen automatically switch from pr0n soundtracks on .avi's and such to any number of other wholesome tunes*.
    [* These songs would be provided by the user. Pr0n Screen would not be held responsible for any copyright infringement incurred by the use of any .wav, .mp3, or other digital music.]

    The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
  • That is just the general case of my foodservice innovation - the Spaghetti Burrito.

    The problem:
    Italian food - especially pasta - is delicious and healthy. In older times, we could simply sit down and enjoy a healthy meal. But these days, in the After Ford era, we don't have that luxury. Since our only source of nourishment is limited to a choice of fast food chains, we have to settle for burgers, pseudo-Mexican food, or various arrangements of extruded chicken parts.

    The solution:
    The answer is the Spaghetti Burrito. It is a generous helping of pasta and tangy sauce rolled into a flour burrito shell. It can be eaten in one hand. Properly wrapped, it won't leak or tear.

    The details:
    The Spaghetti Burrito is prepared from pasta, sauce, and the shell. It is flash-frozen and packaged for foodservice distribution. At the restaurant, it is kept frozen until needed. Cooking is simply a matter of dropping into a deep-fry vat until golden brown.

    Is this a winner or what?
  • U.S. Patent Application

    This document describes the business method on creating a knowledgeable management team in a corporation using Darwinian processses: 'Survival of the less stupid'.

    Process Flow:
    - Manager A is faced with issue for which he is responsible.
    - Knowledgeable employee B is under direct management of manager A.
    - Manager A tells knowledgeable employee B to offer multiple options on resolving issue.
    - Knowledgeable employee B works out one perfect solution (option 1), and two stupid alternatives (options 2 and 3), presents them to manager A.
    - Manager A picks a solution
    option 1) Good solution -> company does well. Re-iterate process.
    option 2 or 3) Stupid solution -> company does bad. Fire manager A, promote dumb employee C to management level, re-iterate.

    Continuous iteration of this process will eventually lead to managers picking only option 1, which results in a company that IPO's bigtime -> knowledgeable employee B gets loaded with stock-options.
    Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow.

  • Wherein one person (Party A) contacts the second person (Party B) by some means of communication, including, but not limited to sound waves, written communication, electronic communication, or any combination thereof (e.g. Voice over IP).

    Upon contacting Party B, Party A then communicates the phrase "Wasssaaaap!"
  • Send more than one spacecraft with different computers and software designs to do the same mission so that if one catastrophically fails, the other will take a few extra pictures before it does.
  • Notice:
    Approval for Patent #4566345345

    Title: Hierarchical Binary-Tree Sales Structure

    We invented the pyramid scheme first. Amway, Shaklee, Nu-Skin, and myriad vitamin companies may have unwittingly been using OUR patented sales structure for the last 40 years, but we are now ready to defend OUR legally obtained patent as approved by the USPTO. Cease and desist letters are already in the mail. All pyramid scheme and MLM companies will know fear and cower before our patent! Cease & desist now or flee like the dogs that you are!
  • Oh man, you're way too late. Al Gore invented that a LONG time ago.
  • A method by which items are delivered to the consumer prior to being ordered, or ever actually even wanted. The consumer is then responsible for returning the merchandise if it is not desired, at their own expense of course. As expected, even though the product has been unsolicited by the consumer, all intellectual property rights to the product remain sole property of the company, including it's physical ocnstruction, and the product may not be reverse engineered in any way.

    Wait a second, this MAY have been done already []....

    ---There is no spoon....---
  • How many times have you had to format your hard drive due to a Winblows crash? Sick of having to click "Yes, I'm sure I want to erase my hard drive" style messages? Well, click no more (er, a little less), now with one click, your hard drive can be reformatted to any of various partition types! No annoying confirmation dialogs, no obnoxious warnings, just click and format.

    Now being licensed by []! You read it there first!

  • I wish to patent R2R sales (Residence to Residence) sales. R2R transactions are performed by the use of a salesperson (hereafter referred to as 'Agent') visiting the residence of a potential customer (to be known as the 'Client') and engaging in the attempt to sell goods/services (known as the 'transaction').

    In a typical R2R transaction, an agent will first engage the client in a series of 'hand-shake' interactions. Using a question-response protocol, the agent will ascertain the current status of the client, the physiological status of the client, and the clients willingness to, for example, have a carpet that shines as it did when it was new.

    Following the 'hand-shake', the agent will transfer a block of information about the goods/services that he/she is offering. This transfer of information (known colloquilly as 'the pitch') will use a simple XOR error-correction protocol (in the form of questions/response sessions mid pitch) to determine that the client is still responding (example: 'You don't want a dirty carpet, do you?').

    Following the transfer, the agent will begin another series of transactions with the client to ascertain readiness to take delivery of the R2R goods/services. Following a succesful negotiation during this communication, the transaction will complete with one final 'handshake' protocol interaction.

    I affirm that I believe the above interaction (to be known as R2R Transactions or 'Door to door sales') to be unique and without precedent.
  • Slashdot should really make an extra allowance of moderation points and update the message to request moderators use them on this topic.

    There are a lot of good, good idea wallowing in +1 or +2 despair because moderators stopped after the usual 50 or so posts and have moved on to new topics.

    This is a much too popular topic for standard moderation rules (700+ posts and it isn't even one of those major troll fests).

    In fact, I will be flat out fricking flabbergasted if this post right here gets moderated...up or down.

    Someone wanna prove me wrong and prove that moderators are still sticking it out and giving good posts a chance at the judges eyes?

    - JoeShmoe

    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -
  • Bah, I deliberately did a text search for "slashdot effect" before I made my post [] and here it is already as "/. effect".

    Hrm, well just FYI I wasn't intending to rip you off, although I did do a more patent-esque explanation than you.

    - JoeShmoe

    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -
  • "A method or process that uses web communications protocols (aka "HTML or PHP or ASP or perl") to submit a news article containing a hyperlink with the web address of a competing company's website, so that when said link is submitted to high traffic news sites (aka "") it will cause thousands of user clients (aka "readers") to follow said link and cause the competing company's website to be knocked offline by a high volume and completely legal distributed high traffic flood (aka "the Slashdot effect").

    - JoeShmoe

    -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= -
  • by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:07AM (#718573)
    Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.
  • by Masem ( 1171 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:11AM (#718574)
    "Device for extraction and removal of undesirable waste byproductions from nasal chambers without the use of manual dexterity on the part of the operator".

  • by Breakdown ( 5084 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:09AM (#718575)
    Let's patent the /. Effect.
    "Large amounts of Interent traffic generated from page linking."
  • by vees ( 10844 ) <> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:04AM (#718576) Homepage Journal

    Biological optical character recognition.


  • by lar3ry ( 10905 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:15AM (#718577)
    1. A mixture of compounds and elements including Oxygen (O2) in gaseous form
    2. A compound consisting of two parts hydrogen (H) and one part Oxygen (O) in liquid form
    3. A combination of compounds and elements in solid form in sufficient quantity to form a planet that is roughly 24,000 miles in diameter, which is covered by 70% of the liquid in claim (2) above, and completely surrounded by the gases in claim (1) above.

  • by Keelor ( 95571 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:41AM (#718578)
    One step further than zero click shopping, and in honor of a product to prevent this [], I'll be patenting "Zero-Knowledge" shopping (ZKS). It works like this:
    1. "Customer" browses various, seemlingly unconnected web sites, all of which have innocent looking .gifs that track every page they look through harmless cookies.
    2. The customer buys something at one of these sites, authorizing their credit card for use in future purchases. Don't worry, the customer is told this in the jargonfied fine print.
    3. ZKS kicks in: according to the web pages that the new ZKS customer has visited recently, they are "sold" things that ZKS decides they need. Been visiting sites that review video cards? ZKS saves you the trouble of finding a site to sell you one!
    This is one step better than targeted advertising. Targeted advertising only tells you what you should want to buy, but ZKS buys it for you! After ZKS has your credit card number, you'll never have to visit an annoying e-commerce web site again.


  • by Alkaiser ( 114022 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @07:19AM (#718579) Homepage
    I'm going to drag out the guy who invented the mouse and patent the "double click". People will be forced to install "Click Counters" on all their machines, and you'll have to buy licenses for double-clicking from me.

    Once you've neared the end of your 10,000 double clicks, you'll get a friendly reminder that you've only got 100 or so double clicks left before your license expires. (And, of course, you'll have to double-click to remove the pop-up window.)

    I'll sue Microsoft first.
  • I'll probably be modded down for this, but....

    I was driving along in the Slashdot Cruiser with my main squeeze, Natalie Portman, reading this on my RedHat Linux 7.0 (woohooo!) laptop (which is the ONLY way to read Slashdot without crashing - I'm talking MS Windoze, not the tinkling of glass as you go through the windshield of the Slashdot Cruiser) when I spot a beowulf cluster of ex-Metallica fans wearing Napster T-shirts and one was carrying a sign that read, "Metallica - I used to be there biggist fan". I roll down the window on the Slashdot Cruiser (it's nice to know that some Windows actually work reliably) and yell, "Hey! Who do you think you are? Commander Taco?" Natalie Portman thought that was hysterical. She likes my sense of humor, but I'm sure that story's been posted before. I love it when she laughs and felt inspired to write a haiku, but then I realized that if this post were any longer someone might mistake me for Jon Katz, so I decided to stop right here.

    What do I owe you?

  • by toddstock ( 161153 ) <> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:13AM (#718581) Homepage
    Progressive Intuitive Logical Errata Stacks. a system that involves placing individual pieces of errata (paper, mt. dew bottles, parts, etc.) upon your desk until there is no usable workspace in non computer and monitor bearing surfaces
  • by talesout ( 179672 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @06:20AM (#718582) Homepage
    I think I've got a better one:

    Let's patent a system whereby teenage boys are excited by staring at pictures of one Miss Natalie Portman while speaking of Beowulf Clusters and pouring hot grits down their pants. Then, we shall proceed to sue Slashdot and each and every troll poster!

    On to world domination!
  • by Veteran ( 203989 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:54AM (#718583)
    I claim: as an addition to biological optical character recognition a moisturizing agent: Tetral Ethanol Alpha Reverse Sriptinase or T.E.A.R.S. The aforesaid moisturizing agent would be used to lubricate and cleanse said biological optical character recognition means and provide a low friction lubrication method for the B.L.I.N.K. apparatus claimed in the aidoneous application.
  • by Lord Kano ( 13027 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:58AM (#718584) Homepage Journal
    Powdered Cocaine to be mixed with the appropriate (secret) amounts of baking soda and water and cured at high heat to form a crumbly cake-like substance that can be cut into small cubes. This substance is to be used by placing into a glass pipe and smoked with the use of either a butane lighter, propane torch, or similar flame making instrument.

    Yes, I have patented making and smoking crack. That's what some of these executives must be doing to apply for these patents.

  • by Colin Winters ( 24529 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:12AM (#718585)
    Here. [] For those of you who don't follow The Onion, this story is about Micro$oft patenting ones and zeros, and forcing all other companies to pay them royalties. Probably the best example of a worst-case scenario with our patent system :P Colin Winters
  • by debrain ( 29228 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:24AM (#718586) Journal

    An initial mail is sent to the Microsoft Office family of email clients, wherein the SPAM reads their email address book, and propagates itself to all members of that address book. After propagation, the SPAM logically deletes or renames certain files, such as .dll and .vxd files and displays an advertisement for the charity of choice of the origin.

    Contrary to the popular Melissa and I-Love-You advertising schema, the SPAM method involves a unique advertisement method of overwriting particular files for the explicit purpose of advertising.

    This application for patent 31337-68797968 comes in lieu of the failure of the Java Remote File Deletion Function.

  • by Mark F. Komarinski ( 97174 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:08AM (#718587) Homepage
    I think Asimov (or was it Clarke?) had a story where a person was able to patent the wheel and get royalty payments from everyone.

    Funny thing is, this story is at least 5 years old, far before the recent wave of obvious patents.

  • by Pollux ( 102520 ) <> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @06:25AM (#718588) Journal
    I'm patenting a new keyboard that has one new key on it. The new key is the sig key, and it's such a revolutionary idea, I NEED a patent just to stop others from copying this idea.

    Here's the deal. After seeing the degredation of english grammar as we know it on the web, I thought to myself, "Why do we even need that big long key at the bottom of the keyboard?" I mean, no one uses it anymore on the web, right? Everyonejusttypeslikethis, becauseit'smoreconvenient, right? So, I spent countless hours calculating what would be the best way to utilize that waste of spac! My revolutionary new idea: the sig key.

    There are never any hastles with the sig key! Within that one little key lies your complete private life! On Microsoft's web site? Need to access the help manuals but aren't "registered?" Worry no more! As soon as it asks for your registration, just hit the sig key, and Microsoft will have access to your social security number, all your credit card numbers, your bank account number, birth date, domestic information, marital status, health insurance records, high school and college transcripts, crime records, and the name of the dog you owned when you were 8 years old who got run over by your dad by accident one day after he purchased his brand new SUV. Microsoft will gladly give you access to any part of their website with just one click of the keyboard! There's no hastle and no need to worry with the sig key!

    The sig key is a revolutionary new idea that makes one-click shopping obselete. You won't have any problems with If you see something you like, hit the sig key, and has the right to bill your credit card for millions of dollars and ships to you a bunch of crappy merchandise! The way I figure it, you know you want it, but all to often your mind says no before your fingers say yes! So, heck, let this key make up your mind for you! There isn't even a need to worry over what you want, cause you'll get it all!

    Companies across the web are so excited, they'll offer deals if you hit the sig key while on their webiste! Who needs privacy when you can get a free CueCat for hitting the sig key while on Radio Shack's website! Want that brand new computer on WalMart's website? With one flick of the finger, not only will WalMart be ecstatic over giving you a new computer, they'll bill thousands of dollars of other merchandise to you that they're certain you may not have wanted but need anyway! You'll have SO MUCH merchandise at your fingertips, you'll never be able to part with your keyboard! You can't even begin to imagine what you'll receive in using the sig key on government websites!

    But that's not all! Right now, we're having a great promotional with this new keyboard! Order today, and you'll get with it a free AOL CD to just give you a taste of the merchandise that will flow to your fingertips after using this new keyboard! To set up AOL, just pop the CD into your CD-ROM drive, run the setup program, then when the program connects you to AOL, just hit the sig key to go online! If you want more time, just hit the sig key a few more times. Heck, hit it as many times as you want, and watch your available time online skyrocket!

    As another added bonus, order today, and you'll receive the option of a second and third sig key on your keyboard! We feel that with the decline of the shift key's popularity on the web, why waste space on the keyboard when you'll have a wider range of location to hit the sig key! Perfect for those of us who just cannot find a key to press when we need it! Supplies are limited, order today!
  • by Miniluv ( 165290 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @02:27PM (#718589) Homepage
    Sadly, Signal 11 has all the prior art.
  • A highly sophisticated (in most cases) sort of computer with no moving parts, powered mostly by oxygen, caffeine, and sugar, with nearly unlimited storage space (though it's not always all accessible when you need something from it) and an average working life of about 80 years. It never needs to be upgraded (would be a bit messy to try, anyway), and it needs no keyboard, mouse, or other input devices it didn't come with.

    In short, I'm patenting the brain. Everyone pay up. Well, everyone except JonKatz. *runs like hell*
  • This contest does appear to be in vilation of the following patent.....

    USP# 5,916,024
    Title "System and method of playing games and rewarding successful players"
    Issued : June 29, 1999
    Author : Henry Von Kohorn

    What is claimed is:

    1. A method for playing a game sponsored by an advertiser and for rewarding successful players with a prize, comprising the steps of:

    transmitting from a central location a first signal group comprising signals conveying a game including a task to which players at their locations
    are intended to respond, said signals of said first signal group further conveying response criteria defining at least one acceptable response
    to a task by a successful player and governing a scoring of a response of the successful player, the player responding to a task;

    establishing a player identification for each of said players and a game identification for correlating each of said players with a game;

    scoring a player's response in accordance with said response criteria to determine a successful player's first prize value;

    transmitting information regarding the player's first prize information to the advertiser;

    following receipt of said information, the advertiser formatting players' prize enhancing instructions;

    transmitting to players' locations a second signal group comprising signals conveying product information of the advertiser and prize
    enhancing instructions of the advertiser to determine a player's total prize value;

    enhancing a player's first prize value in accordance with said instructions to determine the player's total prize value;

    providing at a location of the player a recording device programmable by signals of said second signal group;

    programming said recording device by said signals; and

    said recording device generating a record displaying said product information and the player's total prize information.

    (It took me about 3 minutes to find this online..... )
  • by Morphy3 ( 227773 ) <morphy3@y a h> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:54AM (#718592) Homepage
    Please enter my two submissions.


    With the growth of our internet focusing more and more on wireless content and WAP (not to be taken as a racial slur), the industry needs to make more and more of our IP-like services compatible with wireless technology. Here I will present a wireless layer 1 medium for transmitting channelized voice content which I call "Voice Over Sound Wave", or "VOSW". Just like optical fiber, this transport will have both short and long haul modes, when aided by repeating devices known as a "Miniature Input Kinetic Enhancer" or "MIKE". There are already several layer two protocols in the works to provide stateful direction of VOSW broadcasts, and even higher layer transports that will allow datagram acknowledgement in order to facilitate what is known as a "conversation".

    Layer 0 Switching:

    A method of utilizing the latest advancements in quantum computing technology to solve internet congestion and latency issues utilizing switching at "Layer 0", also known as the "Time and Space Layer". Scientists are on the verge of breakthrough technology to allow tachyons to carry data signals faster than the speed of light. This would allow routing and switching devices to take advantage of the elementary physics of the universe to ease congestion. For instance, traffic flowing from a source hop to a destination hop can arrive at the destination before it ever actually leaves the source. A source hop can also decide not to send a packet that it knows will be discarded by the destination hop in a few milliseconds. Also, peak internet usage times can be relieved through related technology known as "Layer 0 Tunneling". Traffic during peak hours can be sent ahead in time through a layer 0 tunnel to later hours that same day, routed across an internetwork, then pulled back into its previous time-space continuum. The internet may never be the same again!
  • by booch ( 4157 ) <`slashdot2010' `at' `'> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:17AM (#718593) Homepage
    A method for shopping on the World Wide Web whereby the user need not click on the items to be purchased. Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart. When the user is ready to check out, they drag the shopping cart icon to the icon of the checkout register.

    Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.
  • by Nicolas MONNET ( 4727 ) <> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:37AM (#718594) Journal
    $50 gift certificate? Man, I dare you, I double, I triple dare YOU to finance the actual registration of the winning patent! *I* would pay $50 as my contribution!!!


  • by Coplan ( 13643 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:09AM (#718595) Homepage Journal
    A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end user to eat such foods while being able to carry out other tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.
  • by mwalker ( 66677 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:11AM (#718596) Homepage
    U.S. Patent Application:

    The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.

    Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.

    [1] Message boards such as

  • by gbnewby ( 74175 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:16AM (#718597) Homepage
    An integrated system of network devices and physical cabling infrastructure in which each node (e.g. computing device) has a unique network address number. A distributed hierarchical database of paths (routes) between addresses may be used to dynamically determine how to get data from one node to another, based on the existence or speed of available network paths. By utilizing the same infrastructure within an organizational boundary, an entity (e.g., a business or educational institution) may interconnect their internal set of network devices and infrastructure with the outside world. Potential socially beneficial applications for this multi-scale network interconnect include e-commerce and massive direct marketing based on electronic text messages.
    • Greg
  • by aidoneus ( 74503 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:14AM (#718598) Journal
    Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) consists of a sytems of organic, naturally synthesized thin tissue membranes, which when operated permit natural remoisturization of an organic lens system. The intermitent nature of this system permits extended periods of visibility without extended periods of dryness or irritation. Using the "BLINK" system, a user may view objects at near unlimited resolution without suffering from redraw effects. Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering may also be used to provide short term shielding of biological lens systems from minor irritants and extremes of brightness.

  • by haystor ( 102186 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:26AM (#718599)
    You are in violation of patent #-683, a patent owned by the company I currently represent. This patent covers the process of online contests whereby entries are posted in a moderated forum to be reviewed by a judge outside the moderation system.
  • by jehreg ( 120485 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:08AM (#718600) Homepage
    Patent the business process of "patenting".
    If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.

    Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.

  • by Erasmus Darwin ( 183180 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @06:11AM (#718601)
    Method for soliciting recognition via an exploitation of the memetic tendencies of the geek archetype.


    A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.


    1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.

    2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.

    3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.

    4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.

    Any message with
    seventeen syllables is
    covered by this claim.

    6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.

    7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.

    8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.

    9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.

    10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.

    11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.

    12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.

    13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4., now that I've managed to patent most of trolling and karma whoring, the quality of discussion on Slashdot should improve exponentially.

  • by jcrb ( 187104 ) <> on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:23AM (#718602) Homepage
    Why does this remind me of the one about trademarking the letter 'l' and then suing
    the number '1' for 'look and feel'

  • by TOTKChief ( 210168 ) on Tuesday October 10, 2000 @05:19AM (#718603) Homepage
    ...the term hacker, and all its variants--elite hacker, 31337 h4X0r, etc. If various news organizations don't stop using the term "hacker" correctly in a sentence, I will send them cease and desist orders--through federal court, if necessary--to have them stop using the term incorrectly! Anyone caught linking to a story about "hackers" without paying me a royalty is also in my debt. Assuming, USPTO is amenable to this, I will then move to patent the term cracker, then maybe the DoS acronym.

In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982